Badass Women in Badly Designed Outfits

I would be remiss not to share this article on this blog, because this is what I’m talking about. The minutiae of each aspect of the costume is not the truly important part; it’s the logic behind their construction [pic links to full article and more pics].

WHAT IF MALE SUPERHEROES’ COSTUMES WERE DESIGNED LIKE FEMALE SUPERHEROES’ COSTUMES?

“Fernacular grew “tired of guys having no idea why girls find female superheroes’ costumes kinda sexist”, so she made the series of drawings below to achieve three main goals:

1) Make it so the first thing you think of when you look at them is sex, whether you want to or not. 2) make it so that any male human who looks at this feels really uncomfortable. 3) make it funny, because, well, it’s kinda hilarious really.” 

Ms. Marvel’s array of powers are such a stunning display of badassery that it is tempting to dismiss her outfit choice as irrelevant. After all, her abilities include “flight, enhanced strength, durability, and the ability to shoot concussive energy bursts from her hands” (according to marvel.com). So worrying about what she’s wearing is like being afraid a tank’s paint job is a little off, right?

Wrong.

Did you notice the sash? It’s a faux-belt on a one-piece bathing suit. A swimsuit like that cannot fall down, therefore a belt of any type is pointless. And the sash could easily be used against her by a baddie, get caught on something when she goes to fly away, or just trip her up while walking on her feet. I declare that sash to be nothing more than a sexy, red liability.

Now, the one-piece swimsuit. Ever heard the phrase “riding up”? Cause there’s no other direction for that suit to go. No one smiles like this over a bathing-suit wedgie. 

Black Widow. What’s more intriguing to the post-Cold War American psyche than a female Russian spy? (Answer: very little).

The main problem with this costume is the lack of pockets. For a character regularly fighting with guns, there is absolutely no storage element to this costume. No holsters, no backpack, no purse. Nothing.

“But, the belt!” you say. Did you really look at it. I mean seriously ponder over it’s potential? Because I did. Without defying the laws of physics, or something, it can’t hold a darn thing.

Also! Given her hip-waist ratio there is no way for that clearly metal belt to not slide all over the place. Which should make a nice jingling sound, given that it’s thin metal. Just what every spy wants, to sound like Christmas!

Now, see what I mean:  

Compare: Where does she keep those guns?!

Psylocke. 

For someone so badass, her outfit reeks of ridiculous. There just has to come a point when functionality trumps looking-hot-while-getting-yourself-killed.

While her top certainly maximizes the appearance of her bust, it’s not doing any favors in the mobility department. After all, if your main concern in a fight becomes “I hope my boobs don’t pop out,” you’re probably going to lose. Even if you are Psylocke herself.

Now, Psylocke qualifies as a pretty skilled fighter but I’m not convinced that even she could overcome the handicap of heeled ankle boots. This is about the level of activity those boots are actually good for:

(Above: Gisele Bundchen in ankle boots, not engaged in a martial arts battle.)

Scarlet Witch. Decidedly badass. This may not be her usual get-up, but she’s got her game face on and looks ready to fight. So, I’m here to judge.

If you have time to put on your cape, headdress, and thigh-high boots then you probably have time to put on some pants. Or even just some shorts.

And, did you see the undies she chose? They seem to be a modified boomerang. Maybe, when they inevitably fall out of place, they just go right back? Let’s not hold our collective breath.

Her top seems to be an unholy sports bra-turtleneck abomination, that manages to leave the majority of her upper-body exposed. Bad idea in a fight.

To be honest, I wasn’t aware that capes were a favored “witch” accessory. Maybe it could double as a blanket and keep her exposed flesh warm? 

Really, Wanda?

(Source: infamouskidd.com)

I’m overlooking every glaring problem with this outfit in order to highlight the single most egregious.

If you are a super-powerful mutant who makes a habit of throwing lightning around like it’s confetti on New Year’s Eve, a metal ring on top of your internal organs in the name of “sexy” is just about the worst idea ever.

Seriously, Storm, ever.

Now, as far as I am aware, there is nothing that screams “You better take me seriously,” better than a sexy schoolgirl outfit.

Fortunately, Marvel Girl got this memo too, because she cuts such an intimidating figure in her lime-green, school-girl attire. 

Wait, you’re not intimidated? Oh, it must simply be that you’re distracted by her dive-bombing neckline and ultra-short skirt. Both of which render her clothes pointless in a fight.

Oh, and unless she uses superglue on her face, she’s probably expending her mutant powers keeping that mask on.

(Source: tumblr.com)

I have a feeling Emma Frost will be a recurring character, because basically, nothing smart is ever going on with her clothes.

First, that piece of clothing covering her chest. It’s not quite a shirt, it’s not quite a bra, it’s not quite a corset. How it stays up? Nobody knows. Especially with that long-ass cape hanging from it. Either it’s cinched so tight that it destroyed her mammary glands or it’s sinking like a ship.

Let’s discuss the cape. It adds character, to be sure. But in a fight, getting strangled with your own attire is definitely a worst-case scenario.

And on to those tight pants. Not just tight, but once-they’re-on-they’re-never-coming-off tight. And I don’t think her superpower is never having to pee, so that could become problematic.

(Source: emmafrostfiles.com)

Elektra Natchios, the beautiful, and deadly, ninja assassin. Unfortunately, with all her expert training, no one was there to offer advice about functional or practical clothing. Like, maybe if you’re a ninja assassin, red may not be the best color choice? Especially if you’re already a super-hot, female ninja assassin.

Other clothing advice Elektra never received:

• That science, or something, has managed to accommodate, uh, busty women with active lifestyles.
• The one-shoulder look is really something restricted to activities that are not slaughtering people with your sai.
•  Undergarments, in general, are highly useful. 
• Sexy red thigh bands, or whatever they officially are, are just unnecessary frills. Their only real function could be to fall down, distract Elektra, and get her killed. 
• Having to worry about whether your nether regions are exposed is a good way to lose a fight.

(Source: images2.fanpop.com)